


Artemis Fowl Shorts (hahaha)

by shortpromptlongkiss



Category: Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer
Genre: Fairies, Holly Short and Trouble Kelp are in love fight me, I just don't like hartemis, I ship opal with herself, Multi, Opal's preferred birthday present is a mirror, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, artemis is not dead, if she breathes she a bitch so we killed her, or Minartemis, or anyone with artemis really, sorry bout it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22990402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shortpromptlongkiss/pseuds/shortpromptlongkiss
Summary: Shorts (ha!) with characters from the Artemis Fowl books.ReaderXCharacter and CharacterXCharacter welcome.I don't write Butler/Artemis at ALL because gross.
Relationships: Angeline Fowl/Artemis Fowl I, Artemis Fowl II & Holly Short, Artemis Fowl II & Minerva Paradizo, Domovoi Butler & Artemis Fowl II, Juliet Butler & Domovoi Butler, Opal Koboi/Opal Koboi, Trouble Kelp/Holly Short
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heeeeeeeeey so the movie is coming out and hoo boy is it gonna ruin this poor series.  
> Don't worry, we will stand with the Percy Jackson fandom against this evil.
> 
> *tosses around Neutrino guns* RISE UP BITCHES WE RIDE AT DAWN  
> BABY ARTEMIS NEEDS US
> 
> Aside from my declaration of war, enjoy the first chapter- a group chat between Artemis, Foaly, Butler, Holly, and Mulch.

_Foaly has created a group chat._

_Foaly has invited ArtemisFowl, Butlerthebutler, imnotshort, and goldispowerbiotches._

_Foaly has changed name to imsmarterthanarty._

imsmarterthanarty: sup guys

ArtemisFowl: you are not smarter than me

Butlerthebutler: sorry artemis I have to side with foaly

imnotshort: hows it feel to be second best artemis

ArtemisFowl: artemis fowl will never be secondary

goldispowerbiotches: I thought you were Artemis Fowl the second?

ArtemisFowl: Foaly is not smarter than me. He wears tinfoil hats because he still believes in the apocalypse.

imnotshort: I bet you one hazel eye that the apocalypse actually happened.

ArtemisFowl: The clone didn't have a hazel eye.

imnotshort: Exactly. The mud men are calling it the big dark

Butlerthebutler: Myles is mad because somebody stole his computer.

goldispowerbiotches: hehe

_MylesFowl has hacked into the group chat._

_MylesFowl has changed goldispowerbiotches's name to dwarf._

dwarf: what gives mud boy?

MylesFowl: i beg your pardon

_imsmarterthanarty has permanently blocked MylesFowl_

_imsmarterthanarty has changed name to Mylesisthebest_.

Mylesisthebest: get that mudboy away from my phone!!!!!!

 _Mylesisthebest has changed name to ArtemisSucks_.

Butlerthebutler: Myles, stop changing Foaly's name or I will take away your chemistry set.

ArtemisFowl: I tire of him quite often.

imnotshort: me too. barely know the kid but me too

dwarf: is no one going to acknowledge the fact that myles changed my name!?

ArtemisFowl: I have retained so many pieces of information from so many books, but I just cannot remember

ArtemisFowl: Where I asked for your opinion

imnotshort: OH NO HE DIDNT

Butlerthebutler: Artemis where did you learn that one

ArtemisFowl: Minerva is teaching me "Gen Z lingo"

imnotshort: arty's a millenial >:)

ArtemisFowl: ok boomer

Butlerthebutler: Do you need to lie down?

ArtemisFowl: shut up butler or i will yeet you out of the window

imnotshort: I don't like this

ArtemisFowl: send him towards the rose bush. yell kobe while you're at it

dwarf: on it, mud boy

imnotshort: MAKE IT STOP

ArtemisSucks: I wanna see Butler get yeeted!

dwarf: the gas be yeetin

Butlerthebutler: not again

ArtemisFowl: when wiLL YOU LEARN

ArtemisFowl: WHEN WILL YOU LEARN

ArtemisFowl: THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSQUENCES

imnotshort: This doesn't sound like Artemis!!!

_becky has joined the chat_

becky: hi

ArtemisFowl: I WON'T HESITATE BITCH

ArtemisFowl: I mean hi beckett

becky: what the fuck artemis i can't hear that language

ArtemisFowl: where did you learn that word????

imnotshort: leave him the fuck alone arty

Butlerthebutler: yeah artyyyeoiajorighoedighewoigharovhargworhwroghwroher;oghfpoajsdf;awijf'aejgoeif

ArtemisFowl: he hath been yote

becky: arty simple-toon

ArtemisFowl: IM NOT A FUCKING SIMPLETON BECKETTh

imnotshort: becketth

imnotshort: sounds like mac-

ArtemisSucks: DONT.

ArtemisSucks: YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WORD IN A THEATER

imnotshort: WERE NOT IN A THEATER

ArtemisFowl: shakespeare once said "all the world's a stage"

ArtemisFowl: so fuck off Holly

becky: 0.0

_ArtemisSucks has changed name to Foaly._

_Foaly has blocked becky for language._

imnotshort: I wanna see butler getting yeeted

ArtemisFowl: holly i have sixty nine cents in my wallet

imnotshort: you know what that means

ArtemisFowl: I DONT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR CHICKENNUGGETS

dwarf: *chicken *nuggets

ArtemisFowl: if you kill butler i kill you

dwarf: he's fine hell will wake up in a bit

ArtemisFowl: *he will

dwarf: did i stutter

Butlerthebutler: aroihgaowrhjwouwpturgrwoighewpgjasfjreojroidjrepi g'oidahawoe'ifj gaepofjearo;gjas'djaer;ogizg

dwarf: gotta go

_Butlerthebutler has blocked dwarf._

_imnotshort has blocked butlerthebutler._

ArtemisFowl: holly why

imnotshort: Im already losing braincells jsut by hearing you say yeet and quote vines

ArtemisFowl: *I'm

imnotshort: see waht i mean

Foaly: Artemis can you explain what is going on on the security footage

ArtemisFowl: I thought you pulled that

Foaly: you would like me to but i didn't

_Foaly has shared a video with the group._

imnotshort: HOLY SHIT UNBLOCK BUTLER HE NEEDS TO SEE THIS

_Foaly has unblocked Butlerthebutler and dwarf._

dwarf: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Butlerthebutler: Artemis will you teach me that

ArtemisFowl: I thought you pulled the security footage!!!!

Foaly: you're a good dancer but maybe renegade is a bit too

Foaly: whats the word

imnotshort: sexy

Foaly: yes

Foaly: Artemis you're not sexy

Butlerthebutler: you can fight minerva on that

ArtemisFowl: SHUT UP

imnotshort: oooooooooooo artyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Foaly: Why did i think this chat was a good idea

_ArtemisFowl has blocked everyone._

ArtemisFowl: ...

ArtemisFowl: I realize my mistake.

becky: hi

ArtemisFowl: GET THE FUCK OUT

becky: MOOOOOOOOOOOM

ArtemisFowl: NO

_becky has blocked ArtemisFowl so Angeline can beat the crap out of him._


	2. Chat Part Two- Artemis's New Hobby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minerva teaches Artemis how to use TikTok. Hilarity begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of Artemis's TikToks are based off my own TikToks while cosplaying Artemis.  
> (shameless self-promo) If you would like to follow me on TikTok so you can see me act like I know what I'm doing as Artemis, it's @thelittlestboat. I hope to see you all there!

_Foaly has recreated the group chat._

_Foaly has added ArtemisFowl, dwarf, butlerthebutler, goddessbitch, imnotshort, and Angeline to the chat._

Foaly: Now as you can see, Angeline Fowl is here and therefore

_Foaly has changed goddessbitch's name to Minerva._

ArtemisFowl: How do you think Beckett learned the word fuck?

Angeline: From your fucking potty mouth Arty

imnotshort: -_-

Angeline: Who are all these people anyway?

ArtemisFowl: A bunch of people who are trying to make me swear.

Angeline: WHO THE FUCK WANNA DIE

Angeline: YOU WILL NOT CORRUPT MY LITTLE ARTY

Minerva: i already have >:)

imnotshort: Artyyyyyyy, you didn't tell me about your girlllllllfriend

ArtemisFowl: This is not waht it looks like

dwarf: *what

Angeline: im getting my knives

Angeline: MINERVA YOU ARE GOING TO DIE

Minerva: Calm down, everyone I just gave him a

Minerva: tiktok account

Foaly: I like how we all waited for her answer instead of trying to fill in the blank

Angeline: Its safer that way

dwarf: don't you mean better

imnotshort: oh no she doesn't

butlerthebutler: is this why Artemis was learning renegade

ArtemisFowl: for your information i SLAY at that dance

Minerva: bruh

imnotshort: bruh

butlerthebutler: bruh

Angeline: you're doing great sweetie :)

ArtemisFowl: Mother stop filming

butlerthebutler: speaking of filming

imnotshort: NO

butlerthebutler: please let me say this

butlerthebutler: this is going to sound racist

butlerthebutler: in the trailer for that movie, why am I black

ArtemisFowl: why am I surfing

imnotshort: why am I friends with Artemis

ArtemisFowl: :(

Angeline: Why is my husband tied up

ArtemisFowl: now that is a mental image from childhood that I don't want to relive

butlerthebutler: master artemis

ArtemisFowl: cause that was traumatic

butlerthebutler: master artemis

ArtemisFowl: Exactly, I don't want to think about those words or the context my mother used them in ever again

imnotshort: fucking- no

ArtemisFowl: rgoragoairegaweoihj4wohwgh930t9yu4wotu930otaujaua0q3tu203uth4awougnorenve4g0a9gjars9gi4wrjg

Angeline: anyhoo

Angeline: artemis is killing renegade

imnotshort: I would like to return our conversation to the movie trailer

dwarf: I would like to return out conversation to arty's traumatic childhood experiences

imnotshort: I'm artemis's friend in it and I don't like it

butlerthebutler: also commander root is played by a girl

Foaly: am i going to be evil!?! they're making the fairies evil!!!

dwarf: at least im a good guy

Foaly: can it convict

dwarf: we covered this you little carroty bitch

Angeline: i don't know who you are but you need to watch your fucking language

dwarf: ... i don't know how to respond to that

ArtemisFowl: and they put me in casual clothes

imnotshort: how long did it take you to type that, we're past that point in the conversation

ArtemisFowl: somebody thinks it's funny to attempt to restrain me

Angeline: do i have to call down butler on you, juliet?

ArtemisFowl: Juliet left

ArtemisFowl: thanks mom

imnotshort: aw poor arty had to call on his mommy for help

ArtemisFowl: i won't hesitate bitch

_ArtemisFowl has shared a video._

Foaly: HAHAHAHAHAHA

imnotshort: how in the hell did you get that

ArtemisFowl: you're not the only one that refuses to pull the survelliance

dwarf: Holly you are killin it at the whip

imnotshort: I'm trying to assimilate myself into the Mud Men culture!

ArtemisFowl: there's more

_ArtemisFowl has shared three videos._

Foaly: oh it gets better

dwarf: it gets much better

butlerthebutler: is that "say so"

dwarf: it is

butlerthebutler: i like her rendition of the macarena

imnotshort: that was one time

ArtemisFowl: sure

ArtemisFowl: not like this footage is from years ago or anything

ArtemisFowl: and it's not like I have footage from last week

imnotshort: i hate u

_imnotshort has blocked ArtemisFowl._

butlerthebutler: is this a bad time to say I enjoyed learning cotton eye joe from you

 _imnotshort has blocked butlerthebutler_.

Angeline: does everything end like this with you people

imnotshort: pretty much

imnotshort: is your son okay

Angeline: he's crying

Angeline: he's a sensitive boy

 _Angeline has shared a photo_.

Angeline: i miss these good old days

imnotshort: didn't need to see that

imnotshort: okay byeeeeeee


End file.
